I often identify as a recovering perfectionist. Someone who, like many folks in recovery, have to make conscious daily choices not to slip into an unhealthy habit. It doesn't help that our culture praises perfection. But the reality is perfection isn't possible. It doesn't exist. But nevertheless, for a long time in my history - it was all I every wanted.
In my first year at conservatory - I had these mid-semester check-ins with my instructors. It was this private 30 minute meeting where we would individually sit with all of our instructors and get feedback, sort of like a verbal report card. Good student-people-pleasing-perfectionist me- I was so eager. I’m sitting in this room full of all of these badass professional Equity Actors (my instructors) – and I was stoked! I think one of the things that defined me at the time was this belief that I was an ‘overachiever.’ It was part of my identity. I believed that if I worked really hard, and delivered above and beyond what was expected of me I could keep my gold star identity as the ‘overachiever.’ And a big part of that was a need to always be improving. And for the most part, it worked to my advantage. I mean let’s be real if you show up at your work, or in your relationships or in your academic career as someone who overachieves – there’s a lot of validation and praise waiting for you.
So I showed up at this evaluation with my notebook and my highlighters and my pencils: ready to get feedback. But what I heard shook me in unexpected ways. One of my instructors said something to the effect of:
“Clare, we see you working so hard we see you in the work constantly trying to do better and find ways to improve - but I you’re kind of missing out. I think there are times where you’re not fully present and you’re not really OK with where you are in the work because you are so focused on improving that you’re missing out on enjoying being exactly where you are.”
I had not seen this coming. I thought it was a good thing to be trying to improve. How am I supposed to be okay with not getting better? But after I sat with it for a while, I realized they had done me a wonderful favor. I realized that growth is inevitable. I actually don’t have to dedicate energy into self-improvement. If you’re a living thing: you will grow. Your cells multiply, die, and regenerate. Your bones shift. Your muscles stretch. A baby grows into a toddler, without any effort on its own part - or any conscious commitment to ‘grow’ and ‘improve’.
Maybe they were right. Like the ‘bridezilla’ who spends her entire wedding day freaking out about things going perfectly, I was missing out on enjoying being exactly where I am, right here and now. My insatiable need to improve myself was actively preventing me from sucking the marrow out of my training, and enjoying all that it had to offer me. And it really made me wonder how many other things I was missing out on. How many other auditions, characters, experiences, and interactions with people, was I missing out on savoring fully, because I was so blinded by my need to improve?
"Contrary to purpose, natural intelligence does not require we do anything to achieve it. Natural intelligence imbues us with all we need at this exact moment to manifest the highest form of ourselves, and don't have to figure out how to get it. We arrived on this planet with this source material already present"― Sonya Renee Taylor, The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love
So this is my small little wake up call. Especially during times when I'm not booking, or getting called back, or my life just isn't turning out the way I hoped. Rather than diving head first into the ‘how can I get improve’ rabbit hole, what if… I just stayed here for a moment longer, and sat with it. And appreciated where I am.
Someone once said, that the you you are today, is the you ten years ago’s DREAM. So rather than constantly looking forward, aiming higher, and aspiring for better… Let’s mindfully take the time to appreciate the simple joy that is in how freaking GOOD we have it right now. How good it is to be alive. To be here. To have managed to survive everything you have, and made it to this moment. To have all the millions of choices, events, and chance meetings to have led you to this great existence you find yourself in now. Let’s find a way to savor, honor and appreciate that.
TASK OF THE DAY:
● How can you find ways to stay present today? What are some activities that let you connect to source and nature, and your loved ones and remove you from thinking ahead to the future, or replaying the past.
● Spend 30 minutes today doing that activity. Bonus points if you turn off your phone or do other things that help you avoid the impulse to check out of your surroundings, people, and activity.
LEARN MORE:
● THE BODY IS NOT AN APOLOGY: THE POWER OF RADICAL SELF-LOVE - BY SONYA RENEE TAYLOR
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